Friday, January 25, 2008

Last ditch computer repair

Being a (semi) reformed computer geek, I get the occasional Hail Mary pass computer question: my system is on the brink, all hell is breaking loose, what's the Nuclear Option?

I fielded such a request just a moment ago, and thought I would share it with all of you. I would sit here and give it to everyone as they requested it, but being a Friday night, it's time for my local tavern. (Hat tip to the Thermopolis, Wy, VFW: they earn the first "local tavern" tag since my relocation.)

So, here it is, straight from my "The Protocols of the Elders of the Anonymous Anarchist Computer Support Technician Network" (2nd Edition, Oxford University Press, unfortunately, out of print):

//BEGIN
//SHORT TITLE
||||COMPUTER REPAIR PLAN `Z`
//LONG TITLE
||||PLAN `Z`: NOTIFY USNORTHCOM, NORAD, BEFORE EXECUTING
//MESSAGE READS
||||Step 1: Notify USNORTHCOM and NORAD that they will be recording a small nuclear event (likely Level IV, but not to exceed Level VII). Assure them that the event will not infringe upon the terms of NPT, INF, and most importantly, CTBT (as this will NOT be a test)
||||Step 2 (OPTIONAL): Notify the Russians. Don't want them to think we're lighting candles for 'em. (Eh, don't bother: they already know.)
||||Step 3 (OPTIONAL, RECOMMENDED FOR MEMBERS OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC FAITH): Light candles.
||||Step 4: Drink. (If any further explanation is required, see [obfuscated in original].
||||Step 5: Repeat step 4.
||||Step 6: Continue repeating steps 4 through 5 until you are no longer able to understand the logic behind step 5.
||||Step 7 (NOT RECOMMENDED): Sleep it off.
||||Step 8: Reinstall.*
||||(*: The notification to NORAD, USNORTHCOM, and, perhaps, the Kremlin, was about your hangover -- had nothing to do with your computer.)
// ENDS

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

You know that you are so full of shit that at times I am even in auh. Oh by the way I have a computer question too. Thanks your friendly neighborhood redneck.

Lacey said...

LOL, nice.